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Heres_To_The_Nights22
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Name: Elyse
Country: United States
State: Missouri
Metro: St. Louis
Birthday: 8/22/1988
Gender: Female
Interests: I like when its warm outside, I am off to ASU in the fall and have tons of Sundevil love, Frozen Drinks are the best ,I'm a sucker for genuinely nice guys, theres just something about a boy in a nice polo...., I can only hope as the years go on I become the best oerson I can be
Expertise: Just amazing
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  TheElyse2232
Member Since:
9/6/2005
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| I'm scared. Scared of making the wrong descision. Scared of falling and getting hurt like I did before. Not the small hurt that I have been able to deal with in the past few years, but the first hurt. The hurt that took months to get over and tore me apart. I'm scared to have to go through that again. Espesically now, after already having a gaping hole in my heart. The second my mom died that hole came and its never going to be filled and I will never be able to ignore it. It's already painful enough to deal with. I just feel like if this was the right one I wouldnt be so hesitant. I'm going to hang in there though with positive hopes. Its really hard to be falling in love with someone, yet have them hurt you at the same time. | | |
| I wish I could tell Josh how much I really do like him and how becasue of that fact, everything else frusterates me. Tell him how glad I am that we are together and how when im with him how happy most of the time he makes me feel. I've been trying to find a relationship for the past few years and finally i guess i stumbled my way into something steady. Something no one really understands at all. I dont even fully understand. But the fact is we both deal with each others bullshit.I cant sleep right now. it feels like everythings crashing down on me. Like how I felt so alone all those nights junior year. Not being able to sleep. I think maybe its because im beginning to realize more and more my heart truely does have a huge hole in it. I'm afraid i will not ever truely be able to love josh because of how much my heart as already been beaten. I feel alone here too, right now. Yes, I have a boyfriend and I have friends, but no best friend. And the bf is so distant. The only time he truely seems real to me is when hes laying in bed beside me. I'm so bitter about many things at this school. I feel like my time here is over, but I know I can't leave atleast until things with me and josh fall apart. Hes keeping me here.i miss my mom so much, its tearing me apart. i feel this great need for her. i hate feeling this way right now. and is why i wish the boy was here to make me feel better
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| "You made me feel right at home. You told me I was not alone and you knew just how I feel."
"I believe in the sand beneath my toes, the beach gives a feeling, an earthy feeling. I believe in a faith that grows and the 4 right chords can make me cry. When I'm with you I feel like I could die and that would be alright."
"And your the only one I want, but is it enough? It's never enough to sell yourself for less then love."
"I think I was blind before I met you. I dont know where I am, I don't where were i've been, but i know where I want to go. So I thought i'd let you know, these things take forever, I espesically am slow. But I realize that I need you and I wonder if you would come home?"
"your smile makes me see clearer"
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| I'm not really sure what I am doing here in Arizona anymore. My classes have turned into torture and no matter how much time I spend on them things haven't been getting better. I've been so preoccupied at finding a good guy that I really have just been digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole. I'm too insecure at this point to just put faith in one guy that they won't go and be a jerk to me. On top of that my feelings have been dragged around so much that I don't even know what I want. It's so hard for me to like anyone these days and it just takes so long. I want to be able to meet someone and like them right away and trust them like I used to be able to do, but i can't anymore. I miss everything I had and my motto of always look towards the future for inspiration, i am realizing is not exactly a good one. I'm so cynical and attention crazed. I have too many double standards. I still have no clue as of now where I belong or who I belong with or what I belong doing. That scares the shit out of me. I'm pretty much a disaster. I have been drinking wayy too much. For me atleast. I can't handle doing that so much and not digging myself into a hole. I just want to know that people care. I'm glad I am going to be able to go home this week and look back on everything from the place I believe I need to be. Yet i am terrified that once I get there I will find out home is not really where I belong and its not even really home anymore. I hate who I am becoming. And i'm not sure anymore what I really want to do with my life. My self esteem is low. I hate not having the comfort of relying on the status of what attitude i hold or what i'm wearing or where i'm from. People don't give a shit about that here. Everything has to be so complex. I just want my life simplified. Core group of good friends, a boy, and school stuff. Thats it. period. And I completely ruined everything with my sorority I guess. No one in it will talk to me. I guess it just wasn't meant to be and thats fine. What I refuse and cannot do is crawl on my hands and knees desperately trying to make them like me. This is not middle school anymore and I refuse to do that. I've never really been one to get along with lots of other girls and I dont know why I expected this to be any different. I should have never even accepted their bid. My future right now to me is so incredibly hazy and i'm scared. I want stability. Not all this random shit. The good thing about all of this. We all know I am a fighter and incredibly strong, so I should be okay. When it comes down to it though, i'm not sure what is going to happen tommorow and who I am going to hang out with. So i can not even begin to try and predict what is going to happen next semester or what I am going to do next year.
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| I miss home alot today. Maybe the first time I have since i've been here. It's just been soooo long since i've actually been home for real. Back in May. I miss hanging out all day with my friends and doing nothing. I miss going out to nice dinners and then exploring different parts of st.louis. I miss those nights alone with boys who atleast knew my name. I miss being able to go drive around with my music blasting and get away from it all. Knowing every single road and highway I came upon. I miss just being able to be alone in my room sometimes. Imiss have the structure of weekends and school nights and always being able to count on my friends. I miss my escapes to creve couer lake to just go and cry. I miss just decent meals in general. I can't explain the feeling other then totally exhausted of having to try so damn hard at everything here and not really getting anything out of it. Every person you meet is either drunk, a jerk or just blah. And my classes are beyond overwhelming. I'm too scared to fail..but the work is immense. I dont know how I am going to be able to do it all and do it better then everyone else. I know no one expects me to make it. So I guess I am just going to have to really work to prove them wrong. But then thats hard also with rush and stuff like that. Plus my add and need to be social or feel inadequte..
I just though i'd throw that all out there
off to rush....god am i nervous | | |
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